cribellate | Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

[ Matthew shudders and closes his eyes again, leaning into that touch. He tried to be fearless, like his brothers, when it was happening, but he's not made of the same stuff they are. The worst is over, but he still needs someone to make this okay.

He takes a moment, and a few deep, shaky breaths, and then he opens his eyes. ]

It wasn't my idea. [ No, that makes it sound like he made a bad decision. He needs Declan to understand, even though he doesn't understand it either. ]

I mean, I didn't-- I didn't want to.

[ Matthew, who doesn't even touch the wine at communion, hadn't been given a choice. By the time he knew what was happening, he'd already been shoved into the backseat of the car. Kavinsky had some pills. Matthew, trying to channel his brothers, told him to get lost. Kavinsky also had a gun. The last few moments before he blacked out are a jumble of memories--fervent prayers that Declan or Ronan or both of them would notice him missing from church, come find him; the numbing terror of having no idea if he'd even wake up again; the strung out Bulgarian slipping Matthew's phone from his pocket and Matthew unable to even lift an arm to stop him.

None of these are things he can bring himself to say aloud. ]

Who made you?

[If he had been talking to Ronan, that would have sounded disbelieving. Yeah, you didn't want to? No one can make you, Ronan. But with Matthew it sounds like a real question. Who made you? Who was it?

Declan will kill whoever it was.]

Matthew, what happened?

[ He doesn't want to talk about it. He just wants to leave this day behind, but Declan is upset now, and he can't. ]

Please, don't get mad.

[ A nearly whispered plea, and maybe not a very fair one, but Matthew doesn't realize that in the moment. He pulls the words out one at a time, still clinging to Declan's hand, but no longer looking at him. ]

I was on the way to church. They grabbed me, put me in the back of a car.

[ He skips over the details like they are hot coals. ]

I woke up in the trunk. Ronan got me out.

[ And then a dragon exploded overhead. Would Declan think he's crazy if he told him that part? Lying? He so badly needs Declan to believe him. ]

I'm not mad at you.

[He's mad, but not at Matthew. It's clear that whatever happened, this wasn't even remotely close to being Matthew's fault.]

Who was it?

[His hand is gripping Matthew's, but not tight enough to hurt.]

Did they hurt you more?

[ Matthew shakes his head at the last question. ]

No. No, I was just-- [ the word "scared" is on the tip of his tongue, and he swallows it back ] --freaked out.

[ He doesn't want to say Kavinsky's name. Of course he knows it; Kavinsky is infamous, and Matthew has a lot of friends, local boys and fellow Aglionby students both. He's heard the rumors. ]

It was that guy from school, the one who does the fireworks every year.

[ His breath quickens, and he lowers his voice even further, squeezing Declan's hand as he remembers something else. ]

I think he's dead.

Kavinsky?

[He almost stands up. He almost goes to Ronan - I told you, I told you to stay away from him, it wasn't because I wanted to ruin your life, you- - but then he is still holding on to Matthew's hand.

Matthew still needs him right here.]

Okay.

Okay, but you're-

They're going to take care of you, okay?

[ For a second Matthew sees the anger in Declan's expression and is afraid that he's going to lose him to one of those Ronan-induced furies that Matthew knows to expect sometimes but has never fully understood, that level of anger being thoroughly inaccessible to him--but then Declan stays instead and he's relieved. There's been too much violence in this day for him already.

He relaxes somewhat, finally, settling his soft curls back against the pillow, his face turned gratefully toward his brother. ]

I know. It's over. And I'm okay.

[ Compared to how he was some hours ago, of course, but he doesn't want Declan to worry. The pills have worn off, and the minor bruises will fade quickly, even if the memories linger. ]

Ronan got me out.

[ He would like Declan to understand that, too. ]

[He leans up, presses his forehead to Matthew's. This one, he can't lose. He thinks of his mother, fast asleep in her chair, he thinks of his father, dead and buried, and he thinks of Matthew, who could be either, and his heart pounds inside of his mouth.]

You have to be careful. Ronan does stupid, dangerous things. You have to be careful.

[He nods, though. He won't fight with Ronan.

But he will tell him.

You dreamed him, you stupid jerk.]

[ Matthew closes his eyes, comforted by the touch. Ronan may have dreamed him, but Ronan isn't the only one who made him what he is now. Loved, treasured, protected. Fear can't survive long against such things. ]

I'll be careful, [ he promises, for Declan. A moment passes. ]

And you, too. No more burglars.

[ He opens his eyes again and it's more like a question. No more burglars, right? ]

[He goes very quiet.]

No more burglars.

[Is that a lie? It's not his fault that someone came hunting Ronan. It's not his fault when he was trying to protect him.]

You shouldn't worry about me. It's not your job. You didn't worry about dad, right? Don't worry about me.

I didn't know there was any reason to worry about Dad.

[ Until it was too late. Not that Matthew believes he could've done anything, even if he'd known Niall was in trouble before he was killed. Even now he wants to do what Declan tell him, to not worry, to leave everything to his brothers, but this is his family--what's left of it--and he knows something is up. ]

I think I saw a dragon tonight. And-- something else. Like a bird, but it wasn't.

[ Maybe Declan will just think it was some kind of drug-induced hallucination. Or maybe it will mean something to him, maybe it's something he should know. ]

Yeah?

[Declan looks out at the hallway for a moment.]

Like that shitty bird Ronan carries around with him?

[DECLAN'S OPINION OF CHAINSAW.]

[ Matthew just shakes his head. ]

No, not like her.

[ He likes Chainsaw. ]

It was huge-- more like a monster. And white.

[ He reaches up and pushes the curls back from his face, pressing his hand to his own forehead, a little uncertain about his memories now that he's trying to describe them aloud. ]

It didn't seem like it could be real. I thought maybe it had something to do with Dad.

Why did you think that?

[Their dad was magical. In more ways than one. Their dad was magical and he was magic but Declan was pretty sure that none of them knew about it except for him. He thought of all the things he had of their father, he was the one with his charm, his smile, and his secrets.]

[ Matthew doesn't have a very good answer for that, not one that's easy to pin down. ]

I don't know. Because of everything that's been going on this summer. Because... nothing bad ever happened before he died.

[ So every bad thing after feels related. ]

And both of you guys have been keeping secrets.

[ It's not even the least bit accusatory, the way he says it. Just true, and he knows it's true now for sure, because Ronan promised to tell him everything. That happened, didn't it? It doesn't upset him, that they've been hiding things, but he wants to know what's going on, too. ]

[He goes quiet. He's been keeping secrets and Matthew knew it.

He goes quiet.

There's a look on his face like he wants to tell Matthew everything, but at the same time, he can't do it. He can't bring the words out from where they hide under his skin and to his mouth.]

It's my job to protect you.

It's my job to protect you both, but Ronan doesn't want it, so I have to-

I have to keep you safe.

[ They're close enough for Matthew to put out his hand and touch Declan's arm, and that's what he does, looking at him with trust and affection in his eyes. He's a simple boy, spun from the dream of a child; many of the world's harsh complexities escape him, but not the struggle that passes over his brother's face. ]

I know. It's fine.

[ And it is, because he knows, he knows Declan would never keep anything from him to hurt him. Declan would never do anything to hurt him. ]

Sometimes I just want to know what's going on. I don't want anything to happen to you, either.

It's not-

It's not fine.

[He presses his head into his hand for a moment.]

You shouldn't have been hurt like this.

I'm okay. I'll be okay.

And I'll be careful. It won't happen again.

[ Surely that's right, surely what Kavinsky did to him is one of those terrible things that can only happen once in a person's life. ]

[He presses his hands against Matthew's curls.]

I just need you to be safe, all right?

[ Matthew gives a small nod, trying not to move his brother's hands away. He feels safer now than he has for the better part of the day, with Declan here--Declan, who believes him about what happened--and Ronan still out in the hall.

He reaches up to touch Declan's arm again. ]

Hey. You won't change your mind about going to D.C., will you? Not because of this.

[ Matthew would feel terrible if he did. ]

[He looks away from Matthew for a moment.]

I could find you a school there.

[He knows it won't work. He knows it can't work. They all have to finish at Aglionby for the will.]

I don't want to stay.

[ Matthew pushes himself up on his elbows again, insistent. ]

You should go. That's what you decided to do, and--

That's what you wanted.

[ He doesn't know what to say about the other part, the suggestion that he go with Declan, too. It takes him a moment. ]

But I thought I had to stay. Until I'm eighteen. At Aglionby.

[ He looks at his brother, uncertain. It's not just because of the will. Everything he knows is here in Henrietta, or at their home a short drive away. ]

You do.

[He says it softly.]

I want you to be all right.

I will be, [ he promises, because even now, even after Kavinsky, he's still innocent enough to believe such a guarantee is possible as long as he tries hard enough. And he will try, for Declan.

If things get out of hand again, he still has faith that Ronan will be there, too. ]

I'll be careful, and I'll keep my grades up. And I'll wait on learning how to drive until you can teach me.

Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

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