cribellate | Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

God-

Dad was so happy. He was so proud.

[He remembers that. He was four, and he realized he would never be that. He would never be able to pull anything out of dreams. Ronan used to wake up with the most beautiful toys, cars that made noise and stuffed bears that walked and roared, and airplanes that flew on their own, but Matthew was the first person, Matthew was proof.

Declan realized how completely and totally normal he was.]

And mom loved you so much. No one ever thought you were strange, no one ever thought that about you.

[Declan is such a good liar, because while all of that is true, he manages to excise the bitterness that he was no one's favorite. That he was not fanciful or wondrous enough for their family. Not a dreamer or a dream. Just Declan. The conflict of being unmoored and unhomed at age 4 doesn't inch into his voice.

This is about Matthew.]

We loved you. All right? Always.

[ Matthew relaxes, utterly and completely. Declan's words unwind every concern that had wanted to knot inside him, smooth away every little niggling doubt. ]

Then I don't really care about it, [ he announces contentedly, unafraid of what he is, at ease with his own origin as simply as that. ]

I thought-- If you didn't know, I mean, I thought maybe-- it'd be weird. I don't know.

[ He shakes his head, and smiles at Declan like he realizes now it was foolish to be worried. To even consider that after everything, Declan might reject him because Matthew had come from one of Ronan's dreams.

It seems stupid now.

Declan may have been unmoored and unhomed, but because of him, Matthew never has been, even at the worst times. Declan has been his home, is his home now. ]

I love you, too.

It's not weird.

You're not weird.

[He smooths his hair down, nudges him up.]

I'm going to try and call Ronan again. You're all right? You feel fine?

[ Matthew obediently climbs out of Declan's lap and gets to his feet, much more steady on them than he was before his shower. He's all back together again, himself in every way and maybe a little more, now that he knows what that is. ]

Yeah, I'm fine. I promise.

[ And, just in case Declan is still worrying-- ]

I don't think anything else is going to happen.

Okay-

[He reaches for his phone, dials. Ronan doesn't pick up. He sighs and tosses it.]

If he calls you, let me know.

[And a pause.]

Do you want to go out? Let's go out.

I'll get my phone, [ Matthew offers, in simultaneous response to both the instruction and the question. Before he does that, he reaches up to touch his own hair, to see if it's dry enough to go out. Close enough. ]

Where do you want to go?

Somewhere stupid.

Somewhere you'll like.

[If Matthew's happy, Declan will be fine.]

A movie? Something. Food. I don't know.

[ Matthew does not need to think about this for very long at all. ]

Maybe both? We haven't tried the all-day breakfast place yet. And that movie's playing now--the one with the dog.

[ It's a dog movie, which almost guarantees a sad ending that Matthew won't like, but it also won't matter because he'll be full of waffles and half-dozing on Declan's shoulder well before the end, and then later Ronan will finally call, and the world will shatter again because the queen in her glen is lost forever.

But the world has shattered before and all three brothers--the dream, the dreamer, and the one who protects them both--are all still fighters in their own ways, and none of them are done with the world just yet. ]

Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

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