cribellate | Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

[ Matthew sits down at the table with a fair heap of food, though his thoughts are traveling along a similar line as Declan's.

He ends up just pushing the eggs around on his own plate--they aren't right, somehow; it's like for the first time in his life he can actually taste what he's eating--but almost makes up for it in the amount of bacon he causes to disappear. The bacon is about the same.

They get a look or two from the other early risers. It's not every day that Aglionby boys get kicked out of their homes, and speculations are bound to be wild.

Matthew, thankfully, isn't aware of this kind of thing. When he's eaten enough to take the edge off his hunger and is poking at the leftovers with his fork, that's when he works up the courage to ask-- ]

Is Ronan coming today?

[Declan's facade cracks a little when Matthew mentions Ronan. They were friends before; they were almost best friends before. The three of them always had their own friends, their own social worlds, but they were close, they liked each other. He's never gone a week without Ronan like this.

He curls his hands around his fork, because he can't, he can't.

It's a very ugly moment, but it's just a moment.]

You asked him, and he still likes you.

[Its not my fault, he wants to say. He didn't ask dad to make all those stupid rules, he didn't ask dad to exile them, he didn't ask dad to put him in charge. But he's the oldest and the most boring so here he is.]

[ Matthew quickly drops his eyes away from Declan and stares at the eggs he can't eat. So it's still not a good idea to mention Ronan. Not that he expected it to be suddenly okay, but...

How long is it going to be like this? How long is their own brother going to be off limits?

He's just sad, Matthew wants to say, but they're all sad. He doesn't realize you're doing everything, but that would just be more salt in the wound.

He still likes you, but he's a little terrified it isn't true. ]

If he does come... [ you won't fight at church, will you? ] Can I sit in the middle?

[Declan looks down at his eggs and there's a rush of shame; Matthew knows and it isn't Matthew's fault that he and Ronan fought, but he's the one who has to bear the brunt of this, he's the one who has to deal with-

He takes some eggs.]

Sure.

[There's gratitude, too, slightly desperate. He just stares at his eggs. God, he's not hungry at all.]

You-

You can always go see him.

[As if Ronan was ever off-limits. Declan likes Gansey, Ronan is okay with Gansey, he thinks, and so is Matthew.]

[ Matthew looks up again, considering this with newfound hope. Will Ronan want him to visit? It's not like he and Matthew fought. He and Matthew have never fought. That hasn't changed too, has it? ]

Yeah. Yeah, I want to do that.

[ And Matthew likes Gansey. To be fair, Matthew likes everyone, but he appreciates Gansey, particularly what Gansey is to Ronan. He knows it's not like Gansey took their brother away; he just offered Ronan a different home. They've been thick as thieves since they met.

It's good, at least, that Ronan isn't pushing everyone away.

He's done with breakfast, despite the uncharacteristic amount of food left on his plate, but he waits for Declan to decide when they should leave. ]

[He pokes at his food. He wants to be selfish, he wants to ask Matthew to not stay over if he goes, to make sure and come home. Whatever home is, now. He wants Matthew to choose him over Ronan.

But he doesn't do that. He pokes at his food, stabs at his eggs without any real menace, and finally he lifts up from the table.]

You're done?

[That's only half of what he usually eats, the black hole that he is. He takes a pause.]

Are you sure?

[ Declan makes the right choice by not asking. Of course Matthew could never choose. ]

Yeah, I'm not hungry anymore.

[ And he's not. Maybe he didn't eat as much as usual but he's in no danger of starving. He looks at Declan's plate, too. ]

Are you ready?

[ He's almost anxious to go now, to get to church, to pray for his miracle. ]

[He doesn't know how to fix that. He's pretty sure Matthew has never uttered those words in that order before without a question mark at the end of the sentence. But Declan pushes his plate away and gets up, and runs a hand through his hair.]

He might not come.

[Really, Ronan might just decide to blow them off. Ronan might not come. Mom might not wake up. Dad might have fucked them over royally. But Declan can only parse out so much truth in any day. Lies are so much easier.]

[ Matthew scrambles from his seat when Declan stands up, and reaches for both plates because he's been helping Aurora clear the table since he was four and begged her to give him his own chores. (Neither Declan nor Ronan ever had to beg for such a thing.) ]

I know.

[ But... ]

But he might.

[Ever had to, or ever wanted to.

Declan doesn't move to help because Declan is both occasionally an ass, and because he's really not used to helping. When Matthew's cleared up he moves forward, hands in his trouser pockets.]

I don't want you to be disappointed.

[He's already been disappointed enough this week.]

[ Matthew absently brushes a few crumbs from his sleeve and falls into step with Declan again. ]

I won't be disappointed. [ He watches his feet. ] He might not want to come.

[ This is what he says aloud, because he's trying not to make anything even more difficult, but he's hardly capable of switching his feelings on and off. ]

[He wonders if Matthew is learning to lie.

He's quiet until they get to the car, quiet as they drive through Henrietta. It's like the whole world is different, even though everything is the same. The church is quiet. There are a lot of people wearing black; Niall was not popular but Aurora was, and the three of them, the last three Lynches, people know them. One of the women comes by, she reaches to give Matthew a hug, and belatedly gives Declan one, too.

Declan tries a smile out.

It's easier than he thought it would be. Than it has any right to be.]

Maybe we should-

[He looks over at Matthew.]

Maybe you want to pick out a spot.

[A new spot, maybe? A new start? He looks over at the pew they usually sit at.]

[ In one way being surrounded by the familiar faces of their church settles Matthew, calms the surreptitious but ever-present fear that has clung to him like a shadow since the day Ronan found Niall in the driveway.

Someone murdered their father, at their home, and he doesn't have the faintest idea why. But this is such a safe place; he can't be afraid here, not amidst the hugs and condolences of people he's known for so long.

At the same time it makes him feel very heavy again, like he's moving in slow motion.

Ronan isn't here, or he isn't here yet.

Matthew is definitely disappointed, and definitely trying not to show it.

He follows Declan's gaze over to their usual pew and for a moment he imagines them sitting in a different place. A spot where he doesn't have the very lines of the wooden pew memorized. A spot where they'll have to sit and look at everything from a different angle--the faces, the building, the service. ]

Can we sit in the usual place?

[He looks over at the spot, and then back at Matthew, and he takes Matthew's hand, easily. When Matthew was very little - four, so ten years ago - Declan used to do this all the time. He would hold his hand, right up until Declan got too old to do it unless under orders or duress.

Ronan kept it up for longer, but Ronan always loved Matthew most.

But now he leads them, and he goes in first. If Ronan shows up, he can just sit next to Matthew. It's their usual space. It just feels odd, because usually Aurora sat next to Matthew and Declan on the other side, bracketing them in, with Ronan in the middle. Unless their father was there. Then he sat at the end. ]

Edited 2016-02-28 17:56 (UTC)

[ Matthew clings to Declan's hand, like no time has passed at all. If he had his way, they'd keep it up the whole service because he wants the reminder that Declan is still here.

They end up leaving enough space on the pew for two people to join them.

Once they're seated another parishioner approaches to offer condolences and prayers, and then to inquire about Aurora, and while Matthew doesn't notice she's being a little overly pushy for the details that is when he starts to tune her out. He focuses on the sound of the organ, the music that draws people so gently through the doors.

It's one of their mother's favorite hymns, and one of their father's least favorite. ]

[What Matthew might notice is Declan's hand tightening around his, even as he speaks, even as he explains - oh, no, their mother is still stricken, no, they're fine, yes, Aglionby has been supportive, yes, Ronan is just running late, no, they don't need anything but of course they'll say, yes, thank you.

And then he looks down at Matthew and they're in public but Declan pulls him a bit, so they're sitting close together, so he can squeeze every time it looks like Matthew is gong to cry.]

The organist is off his game.

[They're all, in a way, musicians, although Matthew was no good at it, he can still appreciate it.]

He keeps missing the count.

[ Matthew exhales when Declan pulls him closer, the kind of sigh that accompanies a release of tension. Then he blinks, and listens for a moment. ]

Oh.

[ The corner of his mouth gives the faintest quirk, because he can hear it now and that's the kind of thing that probably would have gotten points with their dad if he were here. He always wanted his sons to be good at the things he found important, and Matthew's always wanted to be good at things. ]

You're right.

[ He squeezes Declan's hand back now, maybe a bit delayed but still there. ]

[Declan hums along, making the corrections. He was always the best singer out of the three of them; it was his talent when the rest of them heaped on Ronan.]

I think you could probably play it better.

[That's something that would have come right out of Niall's mouth; truth or not (lie more likely) because Niall liked to think that his sons could do everything better. It's what forged the Lynch brothers into what they are now - a perfectionist, a prodigy, and a people-pleaser.

It's not the first time Declan has sounded like Niall but maybe it's the first time where his father's shadow wasn't lingering over him.]

[ Matthew closes his eyes, listening, leaning against Declan a little. The other side of his mouth lifts as well this time, and it may be the barest shadow of his usual smile but it's still a real one. His first in a week. ]

I don't know. I kind of suck.

[ Ronan, at least, has been telling him that for years--

As a much younger boy, dark curls still intact, his laughter echoing through the mostly empty sanctuary.

"Matthew, you sound like shit."

"Ronan!" A much younger Matthew, his fingers falling from the keys in his distress as he twists around to make sure no one heard. "You can't swear in church!"

--and Matthew's not so deluded as to think Ronan had the wrong idea, but he loves Declan desperately for saying otherwise now.

Even if it is a lie. ]

You're not that bad. It's not your fault Ronan thinks anything less than perfect is sucking.

[Just like Niall. To a degree, like Declan, too, but Matthew is exempt.]

I don't want to sing anymore.

[He hasn't said it out loud before. He's saying it out loud now.]

[ Matthew's eyes open again and he peers up at his brother, almost holding his breath.

It's another change. Not a huge one, or maybe it is because it's something Declan has decided on his own, rather than having it thrown on him like the others. ]

You don't like it?

[ Matthew doesn't feel anxious though, which is strange. If Declan had told him when their father was alive, it would have made Matthew nervous, like an act of defiance. ]

[He feels like he can't breathe. If he had said it while their dad was still alive, he thinks it would have garnered some attention. If he had said it then it would be rebellion.

Now, he doesn't know what it is. He's still the one who is most like Niall, even though Niall really wanted to be most like Ronan. It must have been strange, to look at your oldest and see yourself, and your middle and see the ideal. God, he misses Ronan.]

I think I should give it up. Like Lent. For dad.

[That's not why at all. But it's an easy lie, a pious lie.]

[ Matthew considers this, and it feels somewhat right. It doesn't feel wrong, at least.

He might not get a chance to have any feelings about the truth. ]

Maybe I won't play for a while.

[ The organ, and the bouzouki. Partly he says this because he, too, would like to be pious--in the truest, non-hypocritical way--but unlike Declan he is able to admit the real reason as well, in fact he almost feels compelled to do so. ]

I don't know if-- if I could anyway. It wouldn't be the same.

[ All at once it's very, very hard to keep the promise he made to himself about not crying; the hard lump reappears in his throat and his chest feels tight and maybe he shouldn't have said that. ]

[Declan sees that wobble, that sudden hesitation in Matthew, and he doesn't know what to do. He's not a parent, he's barely 17, and he feels that worry in his chest.

They're in public. But it doesn't matter. He turns and puts his arm around Matthew's shoulder and pulls him so that Matthew's face is against his shoulder.]

Yeah, I know.

[No one seems to be looking at them and Declan counts that as a small blessing.]

[ Matthew doesn't care if anyone is looking, except he knows that Declan does. Even so, he can't control the shudder that passes through him and the single, ragged little breath he drags into his mouth, the sound muffled against Declan's shoulder.

It doesn't last very long. By the time the service starts he's scrubbing the tears away, and then he just looks up into his brother's face and softly whispers-- ]

Sorry.

[ Ronan still isn't here. Declan's phone still isn't ringing. He needs to stop crying and start praying. ]

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locoparentis - 2016-03-03 02:57 (UTC) - Expand