cribellate | Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

[Except that at the end of the day, he is Ronan's. Like everything else, Declan can try but he'll be eclipsed; Ronan made Matthew, pulled him out of a dream, and made him so easy to love that Declan couldn't resist him.]

It wasn't-

[He pauses, swallows.]

This isn't really about you. It's about me and Ronan.

[He presses his hands to his forehead and winces at the pain, and shakes his head.]

I just want-

-I don't think Ronan would agree to that. You know he won't.

[ Declan says it isn't about Matthew, but that's hard to believe that after today. It doesn't make sense. It feels like he's missing something again. ]

Mom doesn't belong to him, either.

[ Even if Ronan was the one to figure out how to wake her up, it doesn't work like that. Aurora is a dream but she's not an object. Matthew sits up in his seat, putting his feet on the floor now and leaning toward Declan earnestly. ]

Look, let me ask him. I can at least try to talk to him about it. [ He needs to try something. ] You just have to promise you won't fight in front of Mom.

[ That's a promise he'd want from both of them, though he'd very much like to believe they wouldn't do such a thing anyway. ]

[ No, but Declan said things when they fought - mom is nothing without dad, anyway that Ronan took offense to, that he took to heart in a way that he meant that he thought-

Well, Declan is pretty sure that Ronan thought that Declan was dismissing the entire concept of mother, like he didn't desperately want her to wake up. But Declan accepted that whatever magic his father and his brother possessed, it wouldn't wake their mother up. He thought he was moving on, accepting his grief, being an adult about it. ]

He's not going to thank you for asking. He's not going to be nice about it. Even to you.

[ The fight between the Lynch brothers is too big for things like what's right. ]

I don't want him to think you're taking sides.

[ Matthew chews his lip and just looks at him, working out all that it means for his brother to say that.

Declan doesn't want Matthew and Ronan to fight. Declan doesn't want Matthew to get hurt. Declan is apparently willing to let go of seeing their mother to be sure those things don't happen.

The silence ends when Matthew realizes he's not okay with that. ]

I'll just ask him. It's not taking sides. Not if we all go together.

[ When Dad died, Declan did everything. Even when it was difficult, even when nobody else was around to help him figure out what to do. Matthew thinks, maybe, he can do one difficult thing now. And despite what Declan says, he really has to keep believing that no matter what else happens, his brothers will know that he isn't going to pick one over the other. ]

[He doesn't think that Matthew has ever been brave - not brave like this. Matthew has always been kind, and loyal, and honest, but he's never really been brave. Mostly because he never had to be, not when his brothers would protect him from everything, including each other.

Including the worst parts of themselves.]

Matthew-

[He says it carefully, but then he doesn't argue anymore. He starts the car back up, drives him into the Aglionby parking lot. There's almost no one here on Sunday morning.]

[ Matthew does not feel particularly brave as Declan starts driving again. In fact he feels quite nervous about what he's promised, and for that reason he doesn't say anything until they reach Aglionby. But he's committed now. He will talk to Ronan, try to make him see that they all need to do this one more thing together.

Once the car is parked, Matthew does a quick survey of the surrounding area. It's good that there aren't any people around, because Declan really does look terrible. ]

You can head in if you want [ and get cleaned up. ] I'll get my stuff.

[ He brought more things back from D.C. than he had taken with him. ]

[He tosses Matthew the keys.]

Don't forget to lock it.

[It wouldn't be the first time. He heads up the stairs, he cleans up, and when Matthew gets back Declan is sitting on Matthew's bed. He's looking out the window and waiting.]

You're not lonely here, right?

[He looks better. Still bruised, and he shiner Ronan gave him is getting more prominent, but the blood is gone, at least.]

[ When Matthew gets back he sheds his bag, pillow, and all the other little things they'd decided he needed over the last week onto the floor, just out of the way of the door, then he comes over and hands the keys back to Declan. He did remember to lock the car this time. ]

Just sometimes, I guess.

[ But really, he doesn't spend a great deal of time here anymore. Meals, homework--he finds other places for those things, always in a group of friends. And he's been hanging out with Ronan more, too, of course. ]

It's not so bad.

[ He sits down on the bed as well. ]

Probably not like starting over somewhere else.

[He looks a little surprised.]

It's not that bad.

[He's never really considered himself a lonely person, anyway.]

[ He leans back on his palms. ]

Yeah, I know.

[ Matthew didn't really think Declan was lonely. But if it were him, he's not sure he wouldn't be, picking up and moving to a whole new place. It's different, he thinks, for his brother, not necessarily in a bad way. ]

I had a good time hanging out with you this week.

[He's not normally affectionate; or more clearly, he's not normally demonstrative, not with his brothers, in any case. Not with anyone who isn't a girl that he's trying to seduce. So the movement so that he can press his face to the top of Matthew's head, to press a kiss there in an absent kind of affection, is casual and vaguely unexpected.]

Anytime you want to come visit, you come, all right? I'll pay for the bus fare.

[Out of Henrietta, the only way is on four wheels, and Matthew doesn't have a car yet.]

[ The gesture is unexpected, but certainly not unwelcome. Matthew closes his eyes as a smile lights up his face, then opens them again to look up at his brother. The smile quickly softens, fades along with his pleasant surprise.

Declan's bruised face serves as harsh proof that going to D.C. is not as simple a thing as paying for the bus, but Matthew loves him for the invitation. It doesn't make the fight disappear, doesn't erase the words, doesn't fix all the bad things--

But it makes them worth it. No matter how messed up and broken and angry his family may be, no matter that his brothers' hatred goes beyond his understanding, Matthew couldn't give up on them for anything. ]

Yeah? That'd be great. I'll think about it. [ And then, just in case Declan doesn't immediately realize that Ronan is the only reason Matthew might hesitate to take him up on the offer-- ] I want to see you more.

[He sees that flicker, he sees that smile fade a bit, and something tugs at him. Something a bit deep in his gut.]

And if you need me, I'll come down.

[Matthew knows that. Declan practically says it every time they see each other. If you need me. Of course, it's always that. If you need me.]

[ Matthew leans against him lightly, affectionate. ]

I know you will.

[ One of them is always there, when he really needs them. He doesn't want to drag Declan away from D.C. for any little thing, but once again, the offer itself means a great deal to him. ]

Hey, I love you.

[ It's not an unusual thing for him to say, but it's been a little while since the last time. ]

I love you too.

[He says it measuredly, carefully. He is not like Ronan, who can't parse his emotions. But he keeps careful track of the things he says and how he says them.

Matthew gets it most freely - or at least, most honestly. He will say those words to girls to make them stay, but he only really means it with Matthew.

(He used to mean it with Ronan, once upon a time. Maybe he would mean them now, as long as the implication never rode on I like you.)]

[ Matthew didn't say it just to hear it back, but it's nice. And he knows, he'll always know that it's true.

He opens his mouth to voice another thought but is interrupted by a short and somehow rather angry-sounding buzzing from his pocket. His phone. He automatically reaches to check it and then--]

Oh.

[ That's not a happy "oh". Ronan, who had nothing to say to him for a week, has now called three times and texted twice. Matthew was deeply upset and trying to walk to Cabeswater during the first two calls and intentionally let them go unanswered, something he does not feel great about now. He then forgot about them, and genuinely missed the other attempts at contact.

The tone of the latest text does not indicate that his brother is feeling very calm. Matthew hastily leans forward and, without really thinking about it, angles the phone away from Declan as he types out a hurried reply, for now just enough to assure Ronan he's still alive. ]

He's just annoyed.

[No, he's furious, but mostly at Declan. Matthew is not going to get the brunt of their fighting, anyway.]

Just tell him he's being a dick.

[He knows Matthew won't do that, so he leans back until he's against the wall.]

[ Indeed, Matthew chooses not to say that, but he does tell Ronan that he's not dead in a ditch somewhere and sorry for not coming back to church. He wonders for a second if he should add anything else before pressing 'send', but he isn't sure what.

I had to leave because you were fighting, not helpful.

We should've told Declan about Mom way earlier, that's not going to make tensions worse, or anything.

The three of us need to go to Cabeswater together, probably a conversation best had in person, and he needs to work up his courage.

Sorry for taking Declan to Cabeswater on my own, he's a little afraid to go there just yet, too.

He chickens out, sends the shorter text, and then leans back as well, phone still in hand. ]

He was looking for me.

[ This is complicated. ]

I know.

[He knows because Ronan loves Matthew, too. Because Ronan knows what Matthew is, like Declan knows, and he doesn't know if Ronan told him. And he can't be the one to say it. He thinks, it will lose him his youngest brother. It will lose him his whole family.]

He cares about you.

Yeah, I know he does.

[ Matthew watches his phone to see if Ronan will reply right away or not. The caring part is never in doubt. Matthew just needs to figure out again how to navigate between his brothers without accidentally creating terrible situations like the one earlier today.

He'll just have to start somewhere and do his best. He sets his phone aside and stands up, heading across the room to grab his bag so he can start unpacking. ]

I'll talk to him about Cabeswater before next Sunday, okay? And I'll call you about it.

[ He's not going to break that promise, first of all. ]

Sure.

[He gets up, run a hand through his hair. The gel is coming out, his curls are coming back.]

I'll see you next week.

[ He hadn't meant that Declan needed to leave right away, but, well. The drive to D.C. isn't short and it's not like they're going back to church, so Matthew's not going to try to make him stay.

He is going to stop unpacking to give him a quick hug, though, sloppy and affectionate. ]

See you next week.

Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

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