cribellate | Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

[When he had gotten the phone call from Gansey - yes, from Gansey that started with your brother in is in the hospital he had felt his heart stammer a bit, and the first emotion was rage, until he heard that the brother in question was Matthew.

And then Declan had come at what could only be described as the speed of light.

No one had explained anything to him as he got to the hospital, hours later, no one explained as he stormed past Parrish and some girl and Gansey, Gansey who had gotten up to try and calm him down, no one had explained as he went into the hospital room, quiet. No one had explained anything, as he stared at Matthew who was half asleep and Ronan who was sitting in the chair next to him.

He and Ronan looked at each other and there was an exchange of the kind only the Lynch brothers could have - the kind that screamed war in silence, and Ronan got up, traded spots, left the room. Because it was unspoken - they don't fight in front of Matthew, and they couldn't be in the same room at that moment without murdering each other.

Or maybe Ronan was just tired.]

Hey.

[He smooths down Matthew's curls. He does what dad used to do.]

[ Matthew didn't even hear him come in, but when he feels the touch to his curls he opens his eyes again, sees his other brother, and all at once he's wide awake. He sucks in a breath, equal parts relieved and... something else, it's hard to say. ]

Declan!

[ He pushes himself up, doing a millisecond scan of the room and finding Ronan gone before he fixes his blue eyes back on Declan, reaching out like a child to take hold of his sleeve. ]

They called you?

[ Obviously someone did, but Matthew is slow, and surprised. No one mentioned that Declan was on his way, not that his youngest brother doesn't want him here. He wants to bury his face in his brother's shoulder, and at the same time he's a little worried about Declan seeing him like this. Oh god. What did they tell him?

Does he know about Kavinsky?

Does he know about the drugs?

Does he know why it all happened? Matthew's still confused about that part, himself. ]

[He turns his wrist, reaches for Matthew's hand.]

Gansey called me. The hospital should have, you know.

[Because Declan is, technically, Matthew's guardian, and has been ever since he turned eighteen. The school should have called. Ronan should have called.]

Are you all right?

[He looks concerned, but there's something stern on his face, too. No one told him anything concrete, but he's heard the word overdose and now he's thinking, should he have been worried about Matthew's sunshine disposition, should he have been watching Matthew? Was this a magic trick with a terrible ending, where one hand (Ronan) distracted from the other?]

[ And there it is. Matthew feels as though his stomach drops right out of him to the floor when he sees that look on Declan's face.

Matthew isn't like Ronan. He doesn't want to be the one Declan worries about, not like this. He's a good kid, he doesn't act out and he doesn't mess around with anything shady, certainly not with people like Joseph Kavinsky, and that's supposed to be one of the reasons Declan can go to college in D.C. and not have to stay in Henrietta forever looking after his brothers. ]

I'm-- [ He stops, swallows, tries again. ] Declan--

[ His voice trembles, and all at once everything comes back down onto him. Suddenly he's squeezing Declan's hand far too tightly, his eyes are wet, his throat too constricted for any words to get out. How can he explain? It's all too close still, monsters and burning cars and pills and helplessness. ]

[Declan can't bear to see Matthew like this, he can't bear to see Matthew cry. Maybe his is the problem. Of course his mother would choose Matthew to love the most, who wouldn't? Ronan and Declan both vastly prefer him to the other. He's the baby.

So he doesn't let go, he squeezes back, and reaches his other hand out to put a hand on Matthew's head, against his hair, as much of an embrace as he can manage.]

You don't have to cry-

[God he knows he doesn't sound very supportive, so he scoots the chair forward.]

Why do they think you did drugs?

[ Matthew shudders and closes his eyes again, leaning into that touch. He tried to be fearless, like his brothers, when it was happening, but he's not made of the same stuff they are. The worst is over, but he still needs someone to make this okay.

He takes a moment, and a few deep, shaky breaths, and then he opens his eyes. ]

It wasn't my idea. [ No, that makes it sound like he made a bad decision. He needs Declan to understand, even though he doesn't understand it either. ]

I mean, I didn't-- I didn't want to.

[ Matthew, who doesn't even touch the wine at communion, hadn't been given a choice. By the time he knew what was happening, he'd already been shoved into the backseat of the car. Kavinsky had some pills. Matthew, trying to channel his brothers, told him to get lost. Kavinsky also had a gun. The last few moments before he blacked out are a jumble of memories--fervent prayers that Declan or Ronan or both of them would notice him missing from church, come find him; the numbing terror of having no idea if he'd even wake up again; the strung out Bulgarian slipping Matthew's phone from his pocket and Matthew unable to even lift an arm to stop him.

None of these are things he can bring himself to say aloud. ]

Who made you?

[If he had been talking to Ronan, that would have sounded disbelieving. Yeah, you didn't want to? No one can make you, Ronan. But with Matthew it sounds like a real question. Who made you? Who was it?

Declan will kill whoever it was.]

Matthew, what happened?

[ He doesn't want to talk about it. He just wants to leave this day behind, but Declan is upset now, and he can't. ]

Please, don't get mad.

[ A nearly whispered plea, and maybe not a very fair one, but Matthew doesn't realize that in the moment. He pulls the words out one at a time, still clinging to Declan's hand, but no longer looking at him. ]

I was on the way to church. They grabbed me, put me in the back of a car.

[ He skips over the details like they are hot coals. ]

I woke up in the trunk. Ronan got me out.

[ And then a dragon exploded overhead. Would Declan think he's crazy if he told him that part? Lying? He so badly needs Declan to believe him. ]

I'm not mad at you.

[He's mad, but not at Matthew. It's clear that whatever happened, this wasn't even remotely close to being Matthew's fault.]

Who was it?

[His hand is gripping Matthew's, but not tight enough to hurt.]

Did they hurt you more?

[ Matthew shakes his head at the last question. ]

No. No, I was just-- [ the word "scared" is on the tip of his tongue, and he swallows it back ] --freaked out.

[ He doesn't want to say Kavinsky's name. Of course he knows it; Kavinsky is infamous, and Matthew has a lot of friends, local boys and fellow Aglionby students both. He's heard the rumors. ]

It was that guy from school, the one who does the fireworks every year.

[ His breath quickens, and he lowers his voice even further, squeezing Declan's hand as he remembers something else. ]

I think he's dead.

Kavinsky?

[He almost stands up. He almost goes to Ronan - I told you, I told you to stay away from him, it wasn't because I wanted to ruin your life, you- - but then he is still holding on to Matthew's hand.

Matthew still needs him right here.]

Okay.

Okay, but you're-

They're going to take care of you, okay?

[ For a second Matthew sees the anger in Declan's expression and is afraid that he's going to lose him to one of those Ronan-induced furies that Matthew knows to expect sometimes but has never fully understood, that level of anger being thoroughly inaccessible to him--but then Declan stays instead and he's relieved. There's been too much violence in this day for him already.

He relaxes somewhat, finally, settling his soft curls back against the pillow, his face turned gratefully toward his brother. ]

I know. It's over. And I'm okay.

[ Compared to how he was some hours ago, of course, but he doesn't want Declan to worry. The pills have worn off, and the minor bruises will fade quickly, even if the memories linger. ]

Ronan got me out.

[ He would like Declan to understand that, too. ]

[He leans up, presses his forehead to Matthew's. This one, he can't lose. He thinks of his mother, fast asleep in her chair, he thinks of his father, dead and buried, and he thinks of Matthew, who could be either, and his heart pounds inside of his mouth.]

You have to be careful. Ronan does stupid, dangerous things. You have to be careful.

[He nods, though. He won't fight with Ronan.

But he will tell him.

You dreamed him, you stupid jerk.]

[ Matthew closes his eyes, comforted by the touch. Ronan may have dreamed him, but Ronan isn't the only one who made him what he is now. Loved, treasured, protected. Fear can't survive long against such things. ]

I'll be careful, [ he promises, for Declan. A moment passes. ]

And you, too. No more burglars.

[ He opens his eyes again and it's more like a question. No more burglars, right? ]

[He goes very quiet.]

No more burglars.

[Is that a lie? It's not his fault that someone came hunting Ronan. It's not his fault when he was trying to protect him.]

You shouldn't worry about me. It's not your job. You didn't worry about dad, right? Don't worry about me.

I didn't know there was any reason to worry about Dad.

[ Until it was too late. Not that Matthew believes he could've done anything, even if he'd known Niall was in trouble before he was killed. Even now he wants to do what Declan tell him, to not worry, to leave everything to his brothers, but this is his family--what's left of it--and he knows something is up. ]

I think I saw a dragon tonight. And-- something else. Like a bird, but it wasn't.

[ Maybe Declan will just think it was some kind of drug-induced hallucination. Or maybe it will mean something to him, maybe it's something he should know. ]

Yeah?

[Declan looks out at the hallway for a moment.]

Like that shitty bird Ronan carries around with him?

[DECLAN'S OPINION OF CHAINSAW.]

[ Matthew just shakes his head. ]

No, not like her.

[ He likes Chainsaw. ]

It was huge-- more like a monster. And white.

[ He reaches up and pushes the curls back from his face, pressing his hand to his own forehead, a little uncertain about his memories now that he's trying to describe them aloud. ]

It didn't seem like it could be real. I thought maybe it had something to do with Dad.

Why did you think that?

[Their dad was magical. In more ways than one. Their dad was magical and he was magic but Declan was pretty sure that none of them knew about it except for him. He thought of all the things he had of their father, he was the one with his charm, his smile, and his secrets.]

[ Matthew doesn't have a very good answer for that, not one that's easy to pin down. ]

I don't know. Because of everything that's been going on this summer. Because... nothing bad ever happened before he died.

[ So every bad thing after feels related. ]

And both of you guys have been keeping secrets.

[ It's not even the least bit accusatory, the way he says it. Just true, and he knows it's true now for sure, because Ronan promised to tell him everything. That happened, didn't it? It doesn't upset him, that they've been hiding things, but he wants to know what's going on, too. ]

[He goes quiet. He's been keeping secrets and Matthew knew it.

He goes quiet.

There's a look on his face like he wants to tell Matthew everything, but at the same time, he can't do it. He can't bring the words out from where they hide under his skin and to his mouth.]

It's my job to protect you.

It's my job to protect you both, but Ronan doesn't want it, so I have to-

I have to keep you safe.

[ They're close enough for Matthew to put out his hand and touch Declan's arm, and that's what he does, looking at him with trust and affection in his eyes. He's a simple boy, spun from the dream of a child; many of the world's harsh complexities escape him, but not the struggle that passes over his brother's face. ]

I know. It's fine.

[ And it is, because he knows, he knows Declan would never keep anything from him to hurt him. Declan would never do anything to hurt him. ]

Sometimes I just want to know what's going on. I don't want anything to happen to you, either.

It's not-

It's not fine.

[He presses his head into his hand for a moment.]

You shouldn't have been hurt like this.

I'm okay. I'll be okay.

And I'll be careful. It won't happen again.

[ Surely that's right, surely what Kavinsky did to him is one of those terrible things that can only happen once in a person's life. ]

[He presses his hands against Matthew's curls.]

I just need you to be safe, all right?

Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

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