cribellate | Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

[ Matthew squeezes against him like a child, his breaths coming in short and anxious.

He doesn't know why-- he doesn't know why but he feels like it's been a very long time since he last heard Declan's voice. ]

Declan, [ he says again, hiding his face in Declan's chest, and trying not to notice the differences in how he looks, how he's dressed, how he feels. The little changes that would go unnoticed over time. ]

I don't remember--

[Declan feels like someone is squeezing his heart, like he can't breathe for it. He presses his nose against Matthew's hair. He was so careful, he had a home nurse who washed his hair and cut it and turned him and was so so careful.]

It's okay.

I'll explain, but please-

[He doesn't want to break his little brother's heart yet.]

[ It's the "please" that does it; Matthew pulls back just a little, enough to lift his eyes back up to Declan. There are tears on his face but he's stopped crying, and a shadow of anxiety is cast over his expression but coming up stronger than that is trust, the undying faith he has in his brother.

Declan will never hurt him, never leave him; they're family and Declan loves him, and whatever happened--

Matthew will wait for him to explain it. ]

Okay, [ he says quietly, with a single nod. And then, even more softly-- ]

You looks so different.

[ And not just older. He's taken such good care of Matthew but he's neglected himself. Still, Matthew never doubts for an instant who he is. ]

You look the same.

[He takes a breath, and finally gets out of the bed.]

Are you hungry? You should eat.

[He thinks, Matthew must be hungry. Matthew is always hungry.]

[ You look the same.

Matthew touches his own cheek as he pushes himself up, swings his legs over the edge of the bed like he's just woken from quick nap, not been lying motionless for years.

He thinks about it for a second and realizes, yes, he is hungry. ]

Yeah, yeah, I am.

[ His feet touch the floor, and then he's standing, looking down at the coin still in his hand. ]

Don't let go of that.

[Declan says it a little sharply, like he's afraid Matthew might put it down.]

[ The tone surprises him, and for a moment it seems like he's going to ask why--but only for a moment, and then he changes his mind, simply nodding instead. ]

Okay.

[ His fingers curl around the coin again, securing it obediently within his hand. ]

Can we have grilled cheese sandwiches?

[ Since he doesn't think he ever got one before. ]

[He moves his hand to tie it to Matthew's wrist with the leather strap.]

If it ever starts to look like it'll tear, or catch, you come and find me right away, understand?

[He pushes a hand through Matthew's hair.]

Yeah.

Yeah, let's go.

[ Matthew watches Declan tie the coin to his wrist, feeling the leather against his skin. ]

Right, okay, I will, [ he promises. His eyes fall closed when Declan runs a hand through his hair, and he tries not to be afraid.

But it's hard to ignore the signs around him, and anxiety curling in his stomach. There's a mirror in the hallway--he really does look the same as ever, and it's weird because so many other things have changed. He remembers Aurora, lying motionless in the Barns for over a year but his mind doesn't even touch how she got there.

They get to the kitchen and he's still looking around, noting changes. ]

Want some help?

[ He doesn't feel like sitting still. ]

[He hands Matthew the cheese - its the soft American kind of cheese, in plastic packaging. It is a very not-Declan thing to eat, but it is a very Matthew thing to like, so he has it for that reason.

And he starts buttering bread.]

You're.

You're feeling all right?

Physically?

[ Matthew starts peeling the plastic off the cheese, prepping enough slices to make a very gooey sort of sandwich. ]

Yeah, fine. [ He doesn't feel any different, that he can tell. Should he? No, everything is fine. ] I'm just hungry.

[ He draws out the word 'hungry' in an attempt to lighten the mood a little, because his bottomless pit of a stomach has always been a joke, and when Declan's done buttering the first slice Matthew plops the cheese down on top of it and continues to hover close. ]

[He wasn't there when Aurora woke up - he doesn't know why might or might not be normal. So he starts making sandwiches.]

Sit.

Actually, go get a glass of juice or something.

[ Matthew hesitates for just a moment before he goes to the cupboard--the dishes haven't moved, at least--grabs a glass, and then over to the fridge. It's emptier than he remembers.

He fills his glass and climbs onto the stool by the counter, takes a few sips, fiddles with the coin tied to his wrist.

Not doing anything is hard, because his mind has always been prone to wandering and right now there aren't many good places for it to go. He watches Declan for a minute and then-- ]

How old are you?

[ No, that-- he shouldn't have asked that. ]

[He turns his head a little, looks at Matthew, and levers a sandwich onto a plate.]

Older than you.

[He looks down a little. Isn't that enough, Matthew?]

[ Matthew looks down, too, at the sandwich. ]

I know that.

[ But he doesn't press further, because it is enough, for now. It won't be enough forever. He's awake and there's a life stretching out in front of him again, and he doesn't care how old Declan is, but he cares that he doesn't know how old Declan is anymore. ]

Eat your lunch.

[He leans down a presses a kiss to the top of Matthew's head. Just like that.][ ]

[ Matthew closes his eyes, reaches out to hold on to Declan's sleeve, just for a moment.

And then he eats his lunch. It's very like Matthew to be chatty while eating, always trying to talk through a mouthful of food, but now....

He doesn't know what to talk about. The world is different; he's not sure what fits where anymore. Where he fits anymore. ]

Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

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