cribellate | Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

[ He actually didn't expect that.

Matthew isn't argumentative. He isn't combative. He knows how to box, because Niall taught him, but he didn't take to the violence of it. He doesn't even like to disagree with people.

Declan realizes that he fucked up right there.

He stops the car, turns the engine off, and gets out. Blood trails down his upper lip and he wipes it away with his thumb as he gets out of the car, as he makes a beeline for Matthew. ]

Wait-

[ Matthew doesn't want to fight. He's just not sure he wants to be around his brothers right now, either.

But it's not like he's going to literally run away from Declan. He turns, pulling his hands from his pockets so he can cross his arms in front of his chest. It's a little bit defensive. He takes in the sight of Declan's face, the blood on his collar. ]

You look terrible.

[ He sounds mostly upset, but his concern is evident too. ]

[He feels another drip of blood, and he smears that, too.]

Yeah I know.

[Thanks for pointing out the obvious. He is nose isn't broken but he thinks it's a near thing; he's going to have a shiner, he can already tell. Fucking Ronan, fucking overreaction. Declan rubs his forehead and winces.]

Come on. I'll drop you off at church. Ronan isn't there.

[Meaninf he'll leave if Matthew wants him to.]

Come on.

[ Matthew thinks about that, pictures what it would be like to sit in their pew by himself through the service, surrounded by people who all no doubt know by now that the older Lynch brothers had an all-out brawl in the parking lot this holy Sunday morning. Normally, Matthew doesn't worry so much about what other people think, because, normally, Ronan and Declan more or less keep their feuding in check this one day of the week.

Normally, he'd never skip church save in times of illness or being stuffed in the back of a drug dealer's car.

He looks at the ground. ]

I don't want to go back.

I can take you home, too.

[He means school for all that he doesn't mean school. Declan needs to clean up, to not drive back to D.C. looking like he just picked a fight with a crazed maniac. He needs to make sure he's not going to bleed all over his steering wheel.

He can't go to Monmouth, Gansey would lose his mind.]

I can take you wherever you want to go.

[ Cabeswater, he wants to go back to Cabeswater. That's where he was headed, albeit very slowly. He wants to lean against Aurora and spend some time with his one family member who doesn't want to break the faces of any of the others. He wants her to tell him everything will be okay.

But Declan is bleeding--because he didn't listen to Matthew--and who's to say what happened last time wouldn't just happen all over again, so Matthew sighs and gives it up for now. ]

Let's go back to the dorm.

[The week wasn't bad, in the grand scheme of things. But a part of Declan, a part that he locked away, realized that he would probably never get to see his mother again, even if she was right there, just out of reach. Matthew isn't the only one who wants an adult to fix this.]

I can take you and drop you off at that place.

[He knows where this direction leads.]

[ Matthew hesitates when he realizes what Declan's offering, sorely tempted. He wants so badly to talk to their mom.

But as upset as he is with Declan--with both of them; they've never fought over him before, not that he's ever known of--he can't ask for that. He can't ask Declan to take him back to Cabeswater and then walk away again. It's too unfair. ]

I don't know if it'll work without Ronan there.

[ He scuffs the side of his shoe on the road, a distracting gesture that completely gives away his half-truthfulness. ]

[He knows Matthew is only half-telling-the-truth, and it's a strange feeling, because on one hand, Matthew is lying to spare his feelings.

On the other hand, he's taught Matthew to lie.]

I-

[He goes quiet, and he reaches to touch Matthew's shoulder, not in any way but to push him slightly towards the car.]

Come on, I'll take you to school.

[ Matthew doesn't pull away. ]

Yeah. Okay.

[ This time he gets in the car, buckling the seatbelt and folding his knees up against the dashboard like a kid. ]

[He drives a bit, quiet, and before they get to Aglionby he stops the car and looks down at his hands. There's bleeding at his knuckles.]

I'm sorry.

[He means it.]

[ Matthew is looking at his brother's knuckles too, but when Declan speaks he turns to look at his face. It is not in his nature to be unforgiving or hold a grudge, especially when it comes to his family. And he knows Declan means it, that he's sorry for the fight.

But it's not just the fight itself that hurts, so Matthew nods instead of saying "I forgive you" or "it's okay". Part of him wants very badly to say those things, but instead-- ]

Did you take me to D.C. to make him mad?

[ That was an accusation of Ronan's, delivered in less charitable words in time with the punch that nearly broke Declan's nose, and oh, it's just eating at him. He only meant to ask the one question but another tumbles out before he can stop it, in a rush of fearful unhappiness. ]

Do I make things worse with you guys now?

[ This is why he needs Aurora. ]

[Declan doesn't answer right away, which is as good as an admission. Yes. He did that. He made a move that sacrificed their little brother in a war he wasn't even really meant to be a part of, because he was mad at Ronan. He did it and he didn't think that it might hurt Matthew, if he found out.

That doesn't mean that Declan doesn't love Matthew any less, or that having him there was a burden.

But it does mean that Declan wanted to assert some power. Something.]

He can't have everything.

[Christ.]

He doesn't get to have mom and you and cut me out of our family.

[He leans back against the chair.]

Matthew, I love having you around. You know that.

[Like placation.]

I know you do.

[ Matthew never doubted Declan's love. He's been wrapped up in love his whole life, surrounded by that fiercely protective warmth since the day he was born--dreamed--and he knows with unquestioning certainty that neither of his brothers would ever try to hurt him. But sometimes things happen even when people aren't trying, and Matthew is afraid he's somehow becoming a weapon. ]

He doesn't "have" me. It's not like I'm his and not yours.

[ But he sounds a little uncertain. Is that how Declan sees it? ]

I don't want you to feel like that. [ He looks down. ] I don't want you two to fight about me, either.

[ Don't ask him to choose. ]

If the three of us could see Mom together, would you go?

[ It would not be pleasant, asking Ronan about it. Having to own up to taking Declan there by himself last week. Confessing, in his own words, that he gave away their secret Cabeswater to someone else.

But that someone isn't some stranger; he has just as much reason to be there as Matthew does, and if it means they could all be in one place again and maybe fix that hole he saw in Declan when Aurora was denied him last time, then Matthew will definitely talk to Ronan. ]

[Except that at the end of the day, he is Ronan's. Like everything else, Declan can try but he'll be eclipsed; Ronan made Matthew, pulled him out of a dream, and made him so easy to love that Declan couldn't resist him.]

It wasn't-

[He pauses, swallows.]

This isn't really about you. It's about me and Ronan.

[He presses his hands to his forehead and winces at the pain, and shakes his head.]

I just want-

-I don't think Ronan would agree to that. You know he won't.

[ Declan says it isn't about Matthew, but that's hard to believe that after today. It doesn't make sense. It feels like he's missing something again. ]

Mom doesn't belong to him, either.

[ Even if Ronan was the one to figure out how to wake her up, it doesn't work like that. Aurora is a dream but she's not an object. Matthew sits up in his seat, putting his feet on the floor now and leaning toward Declan earnestly. ]

Look, let me ask him. I can at least try to talk to him about it. [ He needs to try something. ] You just have to promise you won't fight in front of Mom.

[ That's a promise he'd want from both of them, though he'd very much like to believe they wouldn't do such a thing anyway. ]

[ No, but Declan said things when they fought - mom is nothing without dad, anyway that Ronan took offense to, that he took to heart in a way that he meant that he thought-

Well, Declan is pretty sure that Ronan thought that Declan was dismissing the entire concept of mother, like he didn't desperately want her to wake up. But Declan accepted that whatever magic his father and his brother possessed, it wouldn't wake their mother up. He thought he was moving on, accepting his grief, being an adult about it. ]

He's not going to thank you for asking. He's not going to be nice about it. Even to you.

[ The fight between the Lynch brothers is too big for things like what's right. ]

I don't want him to think you're taking sides.

[ Matthew chews his lip and just looks at him, working out all that it means for his brother to say that.

Declan doesn't want Matthew and Ronan to fight. Declan doesn't want Matthew to get hurt. Declan is apparently willing to let go of seeing their mother to be sure those things don't happen.

The silence ends when Matthew realizes he's not okay with that. ]

I'll just ask him. It's not taking sides. Not if we all go together.

[ When Dad died, Declan did everything. Even when it was difficult, even when nobody else was around to help him figure out what to do. Matthew thinks, maybe, he can do one difficult thing now. And despite what Declan says, he really has to keep believing that no matter what else happens, his brothers will know that he isn't going to pick one over the other. ]

[He doesn't think that Matthew has ever been brave - not brave like this. Matthew has always been kind, and loyal, and honest, but he's never really been brave. Mostly because he never had to be, not when his brothers would protect him from everything, including each other.

Including the worst parts of themselves.]

Matthew-

[He says it carefully, but then he doesn't argue anymore. He starts the car back up, drives him into the Aglionby parking lot. There's almost no one here on Sunday morning.]

[ Matthew does not feel particularly brave as Declan starts driving again. In fact he feels quite nervous about what he's promised, and for that reason he doesn't say anything until they reach Aglionby. But he's committed now. He will talk to Ronan, try to make him see that they all need to do this one more thing together.

Once the car is parked, Matthew does a quick survey of the surrounding area. It's good that there aren't any people around, because Declan really does look terrible. ]

You can head in if you want [ and get cleaned up. ] I'll get my stuff.

[ He brought more things back from D.C. than he had taken with him. ]

[He tosses Matthew the keys.]

Don't forget to lock it.

[It wouldn't be the first time. He heads up the stairs, he cleans up, and when Matthew gets back Declan is sitting on Matthew's bed. He's looking out the window and waiting.]

You're not lonely here, right?

[He looks better. Still bruised, and he shiner Ronan gave him is getting more prominent, but the blood is gone, at least.]

[ When Matthew gets back he sheds his bag, pillow, and all the other little things they'd decided he needed over the last week onto the floor, just out of the way of the door, then he comes over and hands the keys back to Declan. He did remember to lock the car this time. ]

Just sometimes, I guess.

[ But really, he doesn't spend a great deal of time here anymore. Meals, homework--he finds other places for those things, always in a group of friends. And he's been hanging out with Ronan more, too, of course. ]

It's not so bad.

[ He sits down on the bed as well. ]

Probably not like starting over somewhere else.

[He looks a little surprised.]

It's not that bad.

[He's never really considered himself a lonely person, anyway.]

[ He leans back on his palms. ]

Yeah, I know.

[ Matthew didn't really think Declan was lonely. But if it were him, he's not sure he wouldn't be, picking up and moving to a whole new place. It's different, he thinks, for his brother, not necessarily in a bad way. ]

I had a good time hanging out with you this week.

[He's not normally affectionate; or more clearly, he's not normally demonstrative, not with his brothers, in any case. Not with anyone who isn't a girl that he's trying to seduce. So the movement so that he can press his face to the top of Matthew's head, to press a kiss there in an absent kind of affection, is casual and vaguely unexpected.]

Anytime you want to come visit, you come, all right? I'll pay for the bus fare.

[Out of Henrietta, the only way is on four wheels, and Matthew doesn't have a car yet.]

Declan Lynch | The Raven Cycle

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